June 12, 2015 admin

PURPOSE: But I Am Interested in Love

by Alayne Crossman

Age 42. Ottawa, Ontario

I have always felt somewhat inadequate in that I have never had big ambitions career-wise. But what I am interested in is love. I am keenly interested in learning how to love people as fully as possible, with openness and with vulnerability. This is a scary endeavor because it does open you up to all kinds of potential hurt and heartache. However, it may also save you. How does one love with no strings attached or is that even possible?

But what I am interested in is love.

I am very lucky in that I was born into a family so full of love that it cannot be contained or toned down. We are protective of each other. I do not want my sisters, my mother nor my children to get hurt and yet, isn’t that limiting their experiences? Part of being human is risk-taking and when we risk by loving others, it is joyful but it also opens us up to sadness. When someone we love hurts, we hurt too.

Without the love of my family I wouldn’t be who I am today. It means I cry during “Frozen”, every single time. It means I cry when I listen to Van Morrison’s “Ancient Highway.” I am ridiculously sentimental because I chose to remain open to this vast, messy thing we call life. I would be doing a disservice to life if I closed myself off in an effort to fend off the pain of being human.

I am ridiculously sentimental because I chose to remain open to this vast, messy thing we call life.

I am moved by the tender moments of my life such as my daughter singing “Hey Ho” to me over Skype when I was away from her this week. I am moved by my nephew’s first grade “graduation” when he stood up in front of the whole class to get his High Flyin’ Friend award; he was so proud that his mum (my wonderful sister), his grandmother (my wonderful mother) and his auntie were there to witness this seemingly miniscule but meaningful event in his young life.

I don’t deny that being loving when it is combined with a lot of passion has its drawbacks. It means I left a marriage because I was unhappy in it. But it also means that I haven’t become bitter or cynical about love. I refuse to be bitter. It may seem the opposite of love to leave a marriage but it was the right choice for me and because it was the hardest decision I ever had to make, I will never judge any other person who gets separated or divorced. Love is liberating in that it forces you to think for yourself about the particular ethics of a situation. It can mean that you withhold judgment or even opinion on a subject if you care about that person and try to see things from their perspective.

But it also means that I haven’t become bitter or cynical about love. I refuse to be bitter.

I think choosing to love people means you value the ordinary moments a little bit more. In fact, it means that you consider ordinary moments to be sacred. It means you try to live in the moment a bit more by listening to others and by trying to love someone in the way in which they need you to love them.

Needless to say, learning to love whole-heartedly and fully is a life-long journey, and it is one that I intend to continue to explore in my life.

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