June 15, 2015 admin

PURPOSE: Chaos Starts in My Head

by Alina Winter

Age 22. Germany

I feel like as soon as I want to define myself or my purpose in this world, chaos starts in my head and no possible answer would forever perfectly define my personality or purpose.

Sometimes I wonder whether I’m a phoney, cause I’m so many personalities at once…


Sometimes I wonder whether I’m a phoney, cause I’m so many personalities at once… I can be shy, outgoing, thoughtful, reckless… different groups of friends through different parts of my life would draw my picture completely differently. Which is weird. But then I don’t want to and I don’t see a reason to define a character or purpose for myself. This would limit me. This would mean I’m done, I’ve figured it out. Instead I wanna keep my mind open and be inspired by always changing thoughts and ideas… One day I’m in love with Nietzsches Geneology of Morality, another day I’m going for Kants perpetual peace. And another day I hate the idea of thought and intellectual occupation. I don’t express my ideals as other do, cause I know that probably they are just a phase. I don’t wanna restrict myself to just one idea, or the world to just one meaning.

But then I don’t want to and I don’t see a reason to define a character or purpose for myself. This would limit me. This would mean I’m done, I’ve figured it out.


To some people I might appear empty, without opinion or passion… the truth is, I have too much of it. Sometimes it makes me feel lost and confused not having defined myself and instead I feel myself being defined by other people in so many wrong, too simple ways. And sometimes I’m envious of some of my friends who already seem to have arrived, selling their character traits and telling each other, “that’s so you!” But then I don’t wanna be stuck to a role, not just yet? Maybe I could say that, following my instant emotions and desires, has brought me many magical moments, but also alot of trouble. But I’m less afraid of trouble than I am of losing my impulsive self and becoming too reasonable and self-restrictive with age.

 

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